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Christopher Titus: [at the hospital, where Ken is being treated for a heart attack] Tommy, how's dad? You know, does the word "patricide" mean anything to you? Officer Charlie Regan: [handing Titus the pictures] Deal. Christopher Titus: [terrified] I don't know what your game is Old Man, but this truck sucks and you know it!

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But it's going to cost you a hundred bucks a month.

Dave Titus: Yeah, that's his piece of crap VCR. Christopher Titus: Dave, please listen to your inside voice right now. Christopher Titus: Shut the hell up and get your stuff! [Dave has revealed that Titus told him not to tell Ken about moving out] Christopher Titus: I said "Don't tell dad," but I also said [to Dave, through gritted teeth] Christopher Titus: "don't tell dad I told you not to tell dad"! [Titus slaps the glass window and bonks Dave on the nose] Tommy Shafter: [shocked] Mr. Erin Fitzpatrick: Here's some rubbing alcohol. Titus wants some salt, but I think I can sneak some Mrs. Erin Fitzpatrick: Papa Titus and the nurse are having sex!

Christopher Titus: Okay, you're not even trying.

Christopher Titus: Okay Dad, what exactly do you "love" about the truck? Christopher Titus: Dad found a new way to screw with me. Erin Fitzpatrick: Well, it's about time he said that.

That would explain the sounds of dad and the nurse having sex. [Christopher wants to stage an intervention to get Ken drinking again] Dave Scouvel: I'm gonna go to my room. Christopher Titus: Tommy, you don't cater an intervention. Dave: Tell me they didn't find my secret stash of weed!

[Dave begins to walk away] Christopher Titus: Where are you going? Christopher Titus: [standing tough, but then his voice breaks] You heard me. [the Police have Dave handcuffed] Cop #2: We found this guy outside hiding in a bush. [Tommy has mistaken Titus' instructions about running into an old girlfriend] Tommy Shafter: You said make it look like an accident. [Christopher crouches down next to Ken] Christopher Titus: Wussy. Dave Scouvel: [knocking on the door of Erin's family's house] Alcohol, bullets and crystal meth delivery! I mean, I should've known this would never work out. A little heavy on the humiliation, but still damn good! [live story] Christopher Titus: I'll do anything! Christopher Titus: I have taken half a day off work! Dave Scouvel: He's been in his room for four days now. Christopher Titus: [trying to distract Dave] Dave, cow.

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