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“When my daughters came along, that was a big pivot in my life in thinking about how do two people get together,” he told me.“I started reading in the literature and realizing what a big chance they had of not having a satisfying marriage."Avoidant" people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.

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“I could take the nine million people on our site and show you dimension by dimension how we’d lose people for you,” he began.

“Just on IQ alone—people with an IQ lower than 120, say.

We rely on science to tell us everything from what to eat to when and how long to exercise, but what about relationships? Heller reveal how an understanding of adult attachment–the most advanced relationship science to date–can help us find and sustain love.

Is there a scientific explanation for why some relationships sail smoothly along while others are more like a storm tossed voyage? Attachment research designates three main "attachment styles," or manners in which people perceive and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships.

I’d come to the e Harmony headquarters in Pasadena, California, in early October to learn more about the site’s “scientifically proven” and patented Compatibility Matching System. The day before, after I’d taken the company’s exhaustive (and exhausting) 436-question personality survey, the computer informed me that of the approximately 9 million e Harmony members, more than 40 percent of whom are men, I had zero matches.

Not just in my city, state, region, or country, but in the entire world.

I started trying to look into it.” Soon he began a private practice of couples therapy—with a twist.

“People have always thought, wrongly, that psychotherapy is a place to go deal with problems,” he said.

Basically, "secure" people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.

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